Sorry in advance, my dear readers, I’ll warn you first: rant ahead! In case you won’t keep reading, I’ll understand!
It’s still April but as you might have noticed the challenge has stopped for me with the letter R.
I’d fallen behind a couple of times and then I’d accumulated so many posts to catch up with, that I had to give up.
I hate saying that, because I tried to fight it, but I had to surrender to my routine.
Useless to say that I feel extremely stupid.
My partner tried to make me feel better saying “You don’t have to feel stupid because you didn’t manage to finish, you have to feel stupid because you started the challenge, knowing that it would be impossible to make it”
I’m sure that for someone who doesn’t know my situation this might sound mean, but it’s not. Actually he’s almost right, but no harm trying, right?
At the beginning of the challenge, when I complained about my possibility of finding time for my stuff, I was told that if I couldn’t find 10 minutes a day to write it was because I didn’t want to find them.
This comment hurt me because it’s not true and the whole situation is making me feel frustrated.
Despite what my partner said I really wanted to manage.
But because I’m humble enough to think that I might be wrong, then I decided to check whether I was wasting time indeed or not. So I jotted down on my faithful notebook what I did hour by hour for a few days.
I hoped that doing so I would notice a free spot I could use for my stuff or even an error I might be doing.
Actually no, doing so I just got more and more depressed because even in my days off, my time was so packed with stuff to do, that not only I didn’t have time for me and my things, but I couldn’t even check all the points out of my ‘to do’s’ list.
I might just be a disaster but truth is that when I try to push myself a little bit further, like for this challenge, or try to do more than I’m doing already, then I start to feel sick, and end up with a kind of flu.
Just a couple of days ago someone told me: “Your best is enough”. I don’t think it’s true, because it doesn’t go even a tenth close to what I want to do, but it made me feel a bit calmer, like I had some justification I can look at when I feel very depressed.
For example, I don’t feel good today, so I’m spending my day off in bed, despite the fact I have so many things that I should do, that even writing this blog post will put me behind with my ‘to do’s’ list.
OK, I know loads of you will tell me: “Franny, give up, this just mean writing is not your thing. Surrender to the fact that your life from now on will be only work and home and that’s it. But sometimes you can go on holiday if you’re lucky!”
I know that all this makes sense in a way, as I keep complaining and despite all the efforts it seems I don’t manage to conclude something useful.
But I already feel stupid and useless as it is, and I know for sure that I’ll feel defeated and even worse if I stop fighting.
I don’t think I’m a genius but I think that some of my ideas might be worth a shot. The awareness of not being able to get to the ‘give it a shot’ stage is the most frustrating one.
Well, this is it, no point in keep ranting, you got the idea!
Thanks for reading and sorry for the rant to all those of you who managed to finish this post.
Said that, I will finish the A to Z challenge, in my own time of course but I will, in order to give to my self-esteem a bit of closure.
For all those who visited my page, thanks a lot, for reading, liking and commenting.
I’ve saved on a file your blog addresses and little by little and slowly, oh so slowly, I’ll show up to visit back.
So for the moment I’ll leave you here.
A part from “If you really want to do something, you’ll find the time” (because I want to do it so bad but I don’t have a second, that I’m becoming very frustrated), I’ll appreciate any other advice. Write to me in the comments below.
Stay tuned for the rest of the letters!